Movie Review: Clash of the Titans

Hahahahahahaha!! I can’t believe I actually paid to see this movie and on a Sunday at that, the day when the tickets are at their most expensive at the mall with so many people around with time on their hands. Frankly, I only went to watch this movie because I haven’t hung out with my friends in a while so I figured I could sit through an hour and a half of a multi-million dollar investment in CG rather than a good writer. Heck, I bet they could’ve saved more if they just hired GOOD writers for these kinds of films.

Let me get straight to the biggest disappointment of this so called “Clash of the Titans”; there was clashing, there were titans but there was one sorely missed detail – the titans never clashed with each other. I’d say there were about 2.5 titans shown in this ridiculous attempt at epicness. Those were the Kraken, Medusa, the Rock Titan and the giant scorpions. The Kraken rightly deserves to be counted as a single titan but Medusa and the Rock Titan only count as half a titan each because medusa was only a little bigger than a human and the Rock Titan was out of commission. The scorpions count as half because I think there were seven in total but since two died I might as well round down the score. Speaking of which, the scorpions themselves count as a plot hole. It was hinted that the scorpions were created from the severed hand of Hades’ hitman but the leader of the army squad they sent said that they were part of the dessert as the Djinn were used to controlling them. Either I missed something or the writers did – I choose to say that the writers did and I doubt anyone would go to the trouble of correcting me if I was wrong.

Next up are the characters. What the hell Director Someone Something(I’m not even going to bother looking up their info. It just isn’t worth the effort)!!? This is supposed to be an epic based on greek myths that came with a title that promised us an epic fantasy experience and yet they literally gave me a snorefest. My friend sat there as a witness to crossing the border back and forth over the line between the zone of wakefulness and sandman’s land along with, to his misfortune, two couples in front and behind him snogging in the dark instead of watching the movie. I can tell you that there were more than any small number of people facebooking and twittering as the movie went on. The characters were poorly established, poorly developed and poorly killed off. Well most of them anyway, the old leader of the army squad got a pretty awesome send off. The worst offenders had to be Perseus and Hades, the Hero and the Villain themselves. Perseus was an initially whiny fisherman out of water who happened to be demi-god who later became a self-contradicting rebel without a clear cause or creed who happened to be the hero and a demi-god. Hades was actually a decent character but the way he was taken care of would have the heavens rage against the human who directed this movie. All of that build up as a powerful designated enemy who was slowly becoming powerful enough to take Olympus’ head’s place gets hit by a sword struck by lightning that was thrown so hard that he was knocked backed down into the underworld right miles away just as the undersea chasm was closing. I do not want to get into the details of what was so wrong with the physics and the inclusion of that scene so I will just say that I expected a boss fight but the game master gave the player character an instant kill weapon for a nigh invincible opponent.

Here is what I really have to say about this movie – It IS a piss poor excuse of blockbuster and I’m not only recommending that you avoid it, I am advising you, the reader, with the purest intention of wanting to help you look for a good time, NOT to bother watching this movie. Save your ticket money and your preciously limited lifespan for something actually worth spending it on(I would recommend “How to Train Your Dragon” if it’s still showing in your area). If you were looking forward to eating some popcorn then just skip out on the movie and bring the popcorn home with you. I know I might seem very harsh and that I am overly eager to blast away at this film(I was in a good mood when I wrote this but know that this is my FAIR, UNBIASED impression of this movie. “Clash of the Titans” is bad but nowhere near bad enough to be “So Bad That It’s Good” meaning it’s not even worth watching just for the sake of mocking it. So my dear readers, go out and do something other than watching this movie and hope that Hollywood will learn to invest in writing rather and flashiness.