Masks

I find it amusing that I got more or less 70 hits just by using the name of my new gundam kits as the title of my last post. Speaking of which, next up on my ordering list would be the 1/144 Gadessa(Because they haven't come out with the 1/100 size yet), Gundam markers and a 1/100 Cherudim. That's totaling at about $120 right but hopefully the currency exchange gets better by mid feb. And hopefully the gundam markers that I want won't be sold out again by then either.

The first two weeks of school has finally ended and tomorrow shall begin the third one. Not really looking forward to it even though the classes are easier to get through this year. I predict that I will only have one afternoon off after school this week so hopefully I won't be felled by the snooze demons so I can finish off the new anime that I have stockpiled in my laptop. Between school and translating manga, I'm finding a hard time to get the motivation to watch the new series for the winter 2009 anime season. I seem to be getting faster at translating too. It used to take me seven hours to translate a monthly manga but now it only takes me four. Sadly I don't it'll get much faster than that since I spent more time typing than I did looking up kanji. Still, I have to take pride that I may be a "first" for this country.

Yesterday, the graduation ceremony for last year's batch of students was held and I learnt something amusing about my mentality. Someone defined the reason I have for doing things that other people consider noble or courteous is something very few people actually do things for. Basically, he told me that there were three different categories in Islam that people can be categorized into based on why they do good deeds: 1) They do good things because they sincerely felt like doing it 2) The fear of divine retribution motivates them to do good things 3) They want to be praised for doing such things by others.

Apparently, I'm in the first category while he believes that he himself and others are in the second. Those of who can actually remember what the term is for that category should also know where that places me. That little fact amuses me to no end.

I can see why most people would be in the second but there's no way I can be such a person. Not anymore at least, I've already decided who I wanted to be years ago and as I am now, it's impossible for me to go back to that. I feel I wouldn't be able to have any respect for myself if I did. The reason for that is that I simply want to take responsibility for my actions. I find it silly to blame someone else for what I did just as much as I find it to do something because society wants you to. That's the reason I find it stupid to blame the devil for indulging in acts of evil. I'll even put up a disclaimer: the devil did not have anything to do with my pranks, I am 100% solely responsible for the what was done. I do deeds of nobility and acts of evil simply because I felt like doing them. I also happen to feel quite annoyed when someone praises me for doing stuff I find easy to do, it feels disgusting to be praised for doing something that I hardly put any effort into.

I've always wanted to be a person who's completely at ease and honest with himself. I'm almost there but not quite yet. I also want to be as GAR a person as I can be but that's quite tricky when I prefer to use indirect methods to solve problems. I still have a couple of issues I'm not comfortable having. I'll have to deal with them in time but for now I simply have to bide my time until I feel that I am prepared to do so.

I knew that the way my mind works isn't common but at the same time it isn't actually abnormal. I'm aware of my self and my surroundings to an extent that I can't be insane but the ideas that I have in my head are also things that very few people my age actually think about. Heck, I doubt there are that many people who are three times my age that have actually considered them as a possiblities worth exploring. Shame that most people perceive reality by denying things rather consider their potential.

I've often considered that everyone has different masks to show others when interacting with. I also make masks for myself to use but lately I've been feeling less and less inclined to put on such masks. It's pretty much why I find myself capable of making such fearlessly audacious remarks right now. Not pre-typed by the way, I just wrote this on a whim. Also, I find myself incapable of putting on my masks very well when I can't actually see the person I'm talking to. Apparently, my friend told me that what I said in a chatroom two years ago during an international school online competition of sorts was blatantly rude and somewhat unmerciful to those who read it despite it being logically true. This would mean that my ability to respond to people is more related to my instincts rather than my personality. A useful ability I must say. Saying the right things at the right time is very useful for getting out of trouble. (I have an evil smirk on my face right now)

In any case I suppose that other than when I'm alone by myself, I always have a mask on. A mask for my family, a mask for my relatives, a mask for my superiors, a mask for strangers, a mask for my juniors, a mask for competitions, a mask for colleagues and a mask for my friends. Interchanging these masks between each other may seem very stressful but I hardly feel stressed at all since it really does seem to be instinctive for me.

I have to say though, I think my mask for my friends might be one that I show most of myself with. It's still not one that people can see through though. It'd take a genius psychologist to figure out just who I am exactly. Even with truth serums, I can tell the truth in such a way that nothing will actually be told. But I suppose I could give people hints if they ask me the right questions. My amusement is higher on my list of priorities than my safety is and they're both top priorities for me. I find myself unable to lie about such things when discussing them amuses me. I once took a test to see what kind of evil I was and it says that I am a trickster. I almost got affably evil though, a changed answer or two would have gotten me that title. I do have to say that the test was right. I am definitely a trickster who appreciates good tricks regardless of which end of the trick I'm on.

To end things, I shall say that I have recently discovered Sket dance. From the name I thought it was going to be one of those generic shonen series but turned out to be closer to a slice of life comedy. Aside from the various jokes about other manga series in it, I also love the characters. Particularly switch. He earned my respect with this particular joke in the manga because of the sheer audacity. Here's to a good manga!